A Virgin again...
A woman was going to marry one of those guys that want a virgin. Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.
The doctor told her that will cost around $500, but there is an another way that will cost only $50.
The woman agreed to try the cheap way, payed the money, and the doctor "worked" on her for several minutes.
After the "first night" the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. And she asked him how he did it.
"I tied your pubic hair" he answered.
Business expenses...
This big time salesman went to several conferences a year. Every time he would take a $1000.00 bill with him. One day his wife came home and announced that she was going to the National Housewives Convention and she would need a thousand dollars.
The salesman asked her, "Why?" She said, "You take a thousand dollars with you every time you go to a convention."
He said, " Yea, but, you don't drink. You don't gamble, and you have your own pussy. What do you need a thousand dollars for?"
Doctor's appointment...
A couple are lying in bed one night when the husband turns to his wife and begins to kiss her and stroke her skin. "Oh honey, I can't tonight," the wife apologizes, "I have a gynocologist appointment tomorrow." The man turns over a sulks for awhile. Suddenly, the man turns over and asks "Honey, you don't happen to have a dentist appointment tomorrow, do you?"
How...
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a girl wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks: "How do you get into those pants?". The young woman looks him over and replies: "Well, you could start by buying me a drink...".
How many...
A young lad goes to the pharmacy to purchase some condoms. He's got a date this weekend and wants to be prepared..."Just in case." He looks around and doesn't quite know what to make of all the various packages, and finally asks a clerk for some help.
"Sure, I can help you", says the clerk. "What do you want to know?"
"Well," replies the lad, "I have a date this weekend, and want to be prepared...just in case, you know? But I've never bought condoms before and I don't quite know what I should be getting."
"Well," says the clerk, "this here is a 3-pack of condoms. That should do you just fine."
"Why 3?", says the lad.
"Well, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and an extra just in case one breaks.", replies the clerk.
"Hmm....what's this 7-pack for?", says the lad.
"That's for if the relationship goes past the weekend. One for every day of
the week." says the clerk.
"Oh my, then what's this 12-pack for?", says the lad.
"Oh. You don't need that.", says the clerk.
"Well why not?", says the lad. "Seems to be more economical."
"Well," says the clerk, "That's for the married men. One for January, one
for February, one for March...."
I Have Noticed...
Everthing is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to. It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everbody speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them. The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces.
And the sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older than I am.
I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now, they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
Mink Payoff...
A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
Perfect wife and perfect husband...
What is the definition of the perfect wife?
A mute nymphomaniac that owns a liquor store......
What is the definition of the perfect husband?
A guy with a seven inch tongue that can breath through his
ears....
Pickle adventure...
The Polack came home from his job at the pickle factory and told his wife, "I have this terrible urge to stick my thing in the pickle slicer. I know it's crazy, but I can't help it." His wife was shocked, "You mustn't even think of
that! Get such crazy ideas out of your head." For weeks, this went on. Finally, one evening he came home and said to his wife, "I finally did it! I put my thing in the pickle slicer." His wife was hysterical. "What happened to you?"
Sadly he replied," They fired both of us."
Sun bathing...
Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the frist day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
the dining room skylight."
The difference between men and women...
MEN VS. WOMEN
RELATIONSHIPS:
First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup- at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us."
This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.
SEX:
Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.
Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
HATS: Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.
AT THE ZOO:
According to Jerry Steinfeld the difference between men and women can be seen at the Zoo in the monkey house in the reaction men and women have to reactions of monkey antics like lice picking, scurrying around, screaming and playing with themselves in public:
Women go, "Oh that is disgusting, I can't watch this and leave."
Meanwhile the guys are thinking, "Hey, I could do that."
COMEDY:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, andan episode of
"The Three Stooges" comes on:
Immediately, the men will get very excited - they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate
the actions of Curly, inevitably every man's favorite Stooge.
The women will roll their eys and groan and wait it out.
HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when
she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
BATHROOMS:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a typiical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would
not be able to identify most of these items.
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.
A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon, and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverley Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
GOING OUT:
When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out. When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be readyto go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting onher makeup...
SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk.
A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.
LEG WARMERS:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.
A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface
-- mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head...
GARAGES:
Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they
watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.
MOVIES:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."
For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in
"Public Enemy."
JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more thanthat, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car.
THE TELEPHONE:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
LOW BLOWS:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow:
The woman says, "Oh, gee, that must hurt."
The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.
DIRECTIONS:
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there," and,"I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."
ADMITTING MISTAKES:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted that he was wrong was General George Custer.
RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works out at the health club and dates only married women.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
PLANTS:
A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man will water the plants.
The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
MUSTACHES:
Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
There are no women who look good with mustaches.
NICKNAMES:
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Peckerhead, Dickbreath, and Scumbag.
Why did God invent women...
Why did God invent women?
Sheep can't cook.....
Women and cats...
"Women and cats do as they dammed well please.
Men and dogs had best learn to live with it..."
You can tell it's going to be...
You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
You see a '60 minutes' news team waiting in your office.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and they aren't there.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
You wake up to discover your waterbed has broken, then remember you don't have a waterbed.
Your car horn goes of accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels down the motorway.
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex wife.
Your income tax cheque bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
Your pet rock snaps at you.
Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
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