Knowledge sharing...
This guy goes skydiving for the first time. After he jumps out of the plane, he counts to ten, pulls the ripcoard, and nothing happens. Only a little worried, he pulls the cord for the auxilliary parachute, but unfortunately, the chute still does not appear. As he is plummeting toward the Earth, he sees a woman coming up the other way. He shouts to her "Do you know anything about parachutes?" "No", she says, "do you know anything about gas stoves?"
Language...
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day about the fact that in many languages, such as English, a double negative forms a positive, while in other languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. "However," he pointed out, "in no language can a double positive form a negative."
A bored voice from the back of the room responded, "Yeah, yeah...."
Lumberjack...
A little withered old man walks into a timber company office, and applies for a job as a lumberjack. The foreman politely tries to talk him out of the idea. After all, he is old, small, and apparently much too weak to fell trees. The old man picks up an axe and walks over to a huge redwood. As he goes to work, a high-pitched whine comes from the axe, chips of wood fly everwhere, and the odor of burning wood fills the air. In record time, the old man is finished chopping down the tree.
"That's just astounding," the forman says, "wherever did you learn to chop down trees like that?" "Well now," the old man smiles, "have you ever heard of the Sahara Forest?"
"You mean the Sahara Desert."
"Sure, that's what it's called NOW..."
Never trust a Red Indian...
Babara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of Red Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she asked why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdress. She asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress.
His reply was, "Me have only 1 squaw. Me only have 1 feather."
She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking. This brave had 4 feathers in his headdress.
He replied,"Ugh, me have 4 feathers because me sleep with 4 squaws."
Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of squaws involved, she decided to interview the chief.
Now the chief had a headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the chief,"Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"
The chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me chief, Me fuck-em all. Big, small. fat, tall, me fuck-em all."
Horrified Ms. Walters stated,"You ought to be hung!"
The chief replied," You damned right me hung...big like buffalo, long like snake!"
Ms. Walters cried,"You don't have to be so goddamned hostile!"
The chief replied,"Hoss-style, Wolf-style, Any-style. Me fuck-em all!"
Tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear."
The chief said,"No deer...me no fuck deer. Asshole to high, and fuckers run to fast. No fuck deer."
Nice question...
Two guys go into a small diner for breakfast, the waitress comes up and asks for their order. "I'll have two eggs over easy, toast, and juice." the first man says. "And I'll have two eggs scrambled, toast, and juice in a clean glass" says the other. The waitress comes some time later and asks "...now who gets the clean glass?"
Oh!...Women!...
If you're well dressed, she thinks you're a playboy.
If you're not, she thinks you're rugged.
If you kiss her, you're not a gentleman,
If you don't, you're not a man.
If you praise her, she thinks you're a liar,
If you don't, you're good for nothing.
If you agree with all her likes, she is abusing,
If you don't, you're not understanding.
If you visit her often, she thinks you're boring,
If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing.
If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel,
If she is visited by another, "Oh! It's natural, we're girls."
If you're a minute late, she complains, "It's hard to wait."
If you come on time, for hours she makes you wait.
If you propose love within a brief acquaintanceship, you're a fresh guy,
If you postpone love later, she wonders why.
If you fail to assist her in crossing a street, you lack ethic,
If you do, she thinks it's one of man's tactics.
If you're jealous, she says it's bad,
If you're not, she doubts your love, and is not glad.
If you attempt romance, she says you don't respect her,
If you don't, she thinks you don't like her.
If you listen, she wants you to talk,
If you talk, she wants you to listen.
If you contradict her, she does not like it,
If you don't, she thinks you're gullible.
Old fashioned way...
A city boy went duck hunting in the country one day. While hunting he shot a duck which fell on the property of a farmer. The boy crawled over the fence to claim his kill. But, the farmer, seeing what had happened rushed out with his shotgun and yelled, "See here! That duck belongs too me!"
The city boy replies, "But I shot the duck, therfore it belongs to me!"
The farmer says, "It fell on my property so it belongs to me!" They continue to argue, each claiming ownership of the duck. After awhile the farmer says, "We should settle this the old-fashioned way."
The city boy asks, "What is the 'old-fashioned way'?"
The farmer explains, "First, I kick you in the groin. Then, you kick me in the groin and we continue in this fashion until one of us gives up. The one who wins gets the duck."
The city boy, willing to do anything to get his duck and leave, agrees to the contest. The farmer draws back his leg and kicks the city boy in the groin with all his might. The city boy, in horrible pain, falls to the ground moaning and groaning. After about 10 minutes of this, the city boy stands up shakily and croaks, "Its my turn now."
The farmer says, "Oh, you can have the duck", and leaves.
Parrotalking...
This guy buys a parrot. Every morning he stands in front of the cage and asks in a pleasant voice "Can you talk?" This goes on for weeks with absolutely no response from the bird.
Finally one morning, totally fed up, he shouts "CAN YOU TALK, YOU STUPID CREATURE? CAN YOU TALK?"
The bird looks him in the eye and says "I can talk, all right. Can you fly?"
Psychoanalysis...
A Newfie was going to Toronto on the Airplane and started talking to an Ontarian.
Newfie: Lord Tundrin' Geeses Bye, What do you do for a livin'?
Ontarian: Well, I'm a Psychoanalyst.
Newfie: Psychoanalyst, What the Heck is that?
Ontarian: It's hard to explain so I'll give you an example.
Ontarian: Do you own a Fishtank?
Newfie: Yes, I got a tank.
Ontarian: Well, I bet you like fish then.
Newfie: Yeah, I like fish.
Ontarian: Well, if you like fish then you probably like the water.
Newfie: Yeah, I love the water.
Ontarian: Well, if you like the water, then you probably like to
go to the beach.
Newfie: I love to go the beach.
Ontarian: I bet you like to look at girls in bikinis while your
at the beach.
Newfie: You betcha.
Ontarian: And as your lookin' at girls on the beach I bet you think about taking them home and havin your way with them.
Newfie: Gosh, How did you know that?
Ontarian: Well , thats what a Psychoanalyst is.
Newfie: Oh.
The Newfie was goin back to St.Johns and started to talk to another Ontarian on the Plane.
Newfie: Hi, How ya doin.
Ontarian: Oh, fine I guess.
Newfie: I'm a Psychoanalyst.
Ontarian: You're a Psychoanalyst?
Newfie: Yeah, let me explain it to ya.
Newfie: Do you own a fishtank.
Ontarian: No.
Newfie: What are ya!? Some kind of Faggot?
Pursuit of water...
An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unaccustomed to the salt in American Foods (french fries, cheeses, anchovies, etc.), and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and time again Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.
"Abdul, you bastard son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul. "White man sit on well."
Short notice...
DOCTOR: I've got some bad news and I've got some really bad news.
PATIENT: Give me the bad news first.
DOCTOR: Well, you have about twenty-four hours to live I'm afraid.
PATIENT: That's terrible, what's the really bad news?
DOCTOR: I've been trying to call you since yesterday...
Trust...
Why should you never trust the Chinese?
Any country with a population of over 1 BILLION people that claims that ping-pong is their favorite indoor sport has GOT to lie about other things.
uh oh...
A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of people one night. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud- speaker system. "Listen to the sound of my voice...", he kept repeating,
"the sound of my voice... every word is a command... the sound of my voice..."
Pretty soon, he had every single person in the audience completely mesmerized, each one hanging on his every word.
Needing to take a quick piss, he announced "I will have to leave the stage for a moment, but you will all remain in a trance while I am gone" And then he repeated the words "the sound of my voice... every word
is a command." As he turned to go, he tripped over the microphone cord, landed on his ass, and yelled "SHIT!". |
