Flood...
A lawyer and an engineer <or some other honest profession member :-) > were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawer said "I am here because my house burned down and everything I owned was burned. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That is quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I am here because my house and all my belongings were
destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused and asked "how do you start a flood?"
Heaven and Hell...
In Heaven:
the cooks are French,
the policemen are English,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are Italian
and the bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
the cooks are English,
the policemen are German,
the mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss
and the bankers are Italian.
Heroic feat...
One day a journalist, hard-up for a story, was sitting on an Australian beach. As he gazed pensively out to sea, he saw a young woman thrashing about in the water. Upon further observation, he saw a shark circling her. His adrenalin pumping, he wondered what he could do to save her. Then a well built young man, who was jogging along the beach, suddenly dashed into the sea, karate chopped the shark, killing it, and helped the young woman swim to the beach.
The excited journalist, seeing a fantastic story, ran up to the young man and said, "That was the most courageous thing I've ever seen in my life. I'm going to let the world know about this. You'll be famous. I can see it now,
<Brave Bronzed Aussie Saves Girl From Killer Shark>!"
The young man turned to the journalist and said, "But I'm British."
The journalist replied, without losing enthusiasm, "Oh, that doesn't matter."
The next day, the headlines read,
<Pommie Bastard Kills Girl's Pet>.
Hunter's club...
This fellow wishes to join an exclusive African lion-hunters club. Actually, the club's members consist entirely of aging Englishmen, who never do any hunting, and whose only enjoyment comes when some silly sod wants to join.
On the night of the initiation, all of the members sit beneith the African sky around three identical grass huts. The club's founder begins to speak: "To become one of use, you must pass the test of the three huts. In the first hut, there is a bottle of whiskey that must be consumed. In the second, there is a Bengal tiger with a bad tooth that must be removed.
In the third, there is an amourous woman that must be satisfied." With only a lion's skin to wear, the man marches into the first hut, and, after a minute of gulping noises, comes staggering out and barely makes his way in to the second.
Within seconds, the hut begins shaking as fur flies in all directions, and screams can be heard from both man and beast within. After another moment of silence, the man emerges from the second hut, bleeding, and covered from head-to-toe with thousand of scratches. He strains his eyes at the concerned looking crowd of old men and asks "Now where's this woman with the bad tooth?"
If you love someone...
The Original Version
If you love someone,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was to begin with....
The New Versions.....
- Pessimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was ...
- Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.
- Suspicious:
- If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
- If you love someone,
Set her free ... but get someone to follow her
- If you love someone,
... are you sure you love that someone?
- Go-getter:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, go get her !
- Hunter:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
Don't even wait whether she comes back, go hunt her down!
- Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.
- Patient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...
- Playful:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
* If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again,
repeat *
- C++ Programmer:
if(you->love(m_she))
m_she->free();
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;
I'd love to, but...
Got an invitation you'd rather decline? No problem. Just pick I'd love to, but...
- I have to floss my cat.
- I've dedicated my life to linguine.
- I want to spend more time with my blender.
- The President said he might drop in.
- The man on television told me to say tuned.
- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
- I'm building a pig from a kit.
- I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
- I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
- There's a disturbance in the Force.
- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
- I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
- I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
- I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
- My crayons all melted together.
- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
- I'm in training to be a household pest.
- I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
- My patent is pending.
- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
- I'm sandblasting my oven.
- I'm worried about my vertical hold.
- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
- I'm being deported.
- The grunion are running.
- I'll be looking for a parking space.
- My Millard Fillmore Fan Club meets then.
- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
- I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
- I have to fluff my shower cap.
- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
- I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
- I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
- My plot to take over the world is thickening.
- I have to fulfill my potential.
- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
- It's too close to the turn of the century.
- I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
- My subconscious says no.
- I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
- I left my body in my other clothes.
- The last time I went, I never came back.
- I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
- None of my socks match.
- I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
- I'm having all my plants neutered.
- People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
- I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
- I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
- I'm touring China with a wok band.
- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
- I never go out on days that end in "Y."
- My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.
- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.
- I'm too old/young for that stuff.
- I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
- I have too much guilt.
- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
- I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
- I feel a song coming on.
- I'm trying to be less popular.
- My bathroom tiles need grouting.
- I have to bleach my hare.
- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
- I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
- You know how we psychos are.
- My favorite commercial is on TV.
- I have to study for a blood test.
- I'm going to be old someday.
- I've been traded to Cincinnati.
- I'm observing National Apathy Week.
- I have to rotate my crops.
- My uncle escaped again.
- I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
- I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
- I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
- Having fun gives me prickly heat.
- I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
- I have to jog my memory.
- My palm reader advised against it.
- My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
- I have to stay home and see if I snore.
- I prefer to remain an enigma.
- I think you want the OTHER [your name].
- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
- I'm trying to cut down.
100 ways to freek out ...
100 WAYS TO FREAK OUT YOUR ROOMMATE
- Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
- Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
- Twitch a lot.
- Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
- Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
- Become a subgenius.
- Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
- Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
- Speak in tongues.
- Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
- Walk and talk backwards.
- Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
- Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more
than meets the eye."
- Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
- Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance
art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
- Collect all your urine in a small jug.
- Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
- Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
- Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
- Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
- Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
- Eat glass.
- Smoke ballpoint pens.
- Smile. All the time.
- Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.
- Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
- Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
- Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.
- Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
- Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
- Dye all your underwear lime green.
- Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
- Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
- Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
- Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
- Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
- Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
- Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
- Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
- Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
- Shave one eyebrow.
- Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter
"Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
- Put horseradish in your shoes.
- Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
- Always flush the toilet three times.
- Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
- Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
- Give him/her an allowance.
- Listen to radio static.
- Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
- Cry a lot.
- Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's blitzmail.
- Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If he/she walks
by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
- Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.
- Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.
- If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
- Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
- Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . . use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
- If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
- Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
- Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel, and go shower too.
- Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
- Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
- Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say
that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
- Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
- Follow him/her around on weekends.
- Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
- Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
- Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
- Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
- Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
- Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare.
- Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.
- Let mice loose in his/her room.
- Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.
- Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
- Skip to the bathroom.
- Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.
- Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foilage.
- When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.
- Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where he/she can find them.
- Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.
- Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
- Use a bible as kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they say Jesus or God Damnit.
- Burn incense.
- Eat moths.
- Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
- Collect Chia-Pets.
- Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
- Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
- Wipe deoderant all over your roommate's walls.
- If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred
dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
- Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
- Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat.
- Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your roommate turns around.
Drink it.
- Don't ever flush.
- Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
- Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
- Lick him/her while they are asleep.
- Dress in drag.
|
