Bear and Rabbit...
This bear was sitting on a log in the woods, taking a shit. Along came a rabbit. The rabbit asked, "Do you mind if I join you?"
The bear replied "Suit yourself." So there they both sat, taking a shit. After they were finished, the bear asked the rabbit, "Do you ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit said, "No".
The bear says, "Good!" Then he grabs the rabbit and with a long sweeping motion wipes his ass..........
Booze..
Why did men create booze?
So ugly girls can get lucky too.
Choosy...
A Chinese guy goes into a bar and sits down. Upon seeing a black bartender, he says:
"Give me a jigger, nigger."
The black man was taken aback. He explained that both gentlemen were minorities in this country and should stick together. The bartender then poured a jigger of scotch and walked away.
A little while later the Chinese guy was ready for another.
"Give me a jigger, nigger."
This time the black bartender was furious. Hadn't the Chinese man been listening? He threw his apron over the bar and told the Chinese man to try bartending for awhile. The Chinese man took his place behind
the bar. The black man walked out, walked back in, and sat at the bar.
"Give me a drink, Chink", he said.
The Chinese man turned around and said:
"We don't serve niggers."
Correct grammar...
A guy from Georgia enrolled at Harvard and on his first day there was walking across the campus and asked an upperclassman (drawling heavily),"Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?"
The upperclassman responded, "At Harvard we do not end sentences with prepositions.
" The Georgian then replied, "Well then, could you tell me where the library is at, asshole?"
Driving her wild...
There was an englishman, a frenchman, and a Polack sitting in a bar having a few drinks together.
The englishman says to the frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your wife wild?"
"Well", says the frenchman, "After making love, I go out to the garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and put them all over her body. then I gently blow them off with a soft,even breath, and that drives her wild."
Then the frenchman says "And what do you do to drive your wife wild?"
to which the englishman replies "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!"
Then the pair turn to the Polack and ask him what he does.
"Naawww you don't want to know what I do" he says.
So they buy him a few more drinks and he loosens up a bit more, and again, they ask him what he does.
"Well..", he says, "When me and the old lady are through, I jump out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain. And that REALLY drives her wild."
Finding a Girlfriend...
It has been almost 20 years since Consumer Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market has changed substantially. Clearly, another report was long overdue. Here's the latest report:
Identifying Your Needs
As with any major purchase, before obtaining a girlfriend you should ask yourself exactly why you need one. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first and most important step in selecting a girlfriend.
The potential girlfriends you see in most showrooms tend to be loaded with the usual flashy accessories -- large breasts, long legs, blonde hair, etc. However, there is also a wide variety of accessories designed to appeal to fringe markets. For example, some models come pre-equipped with pets and/or children; others can run 10 miles while chanting Sanskrit. You should make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a large bosom) must be factory-installed.
Determine Your Budget
The second question, of course, is what sort of girlfriend you can afford. The answer is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics. If you are good-looking and have a commanding personality
and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection.
Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CR does not recommend this practice: due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.
Used vs. New?
--------------
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be determined by your age:
Your age Used or New
13-18 years New
19-30 years Lightly used
31-45 years Extensively used
45+ New***
***Only if income exceeds $250,000/year. Otherwise, "Divorced, with kids."
New girlfriends offer the advantage of having no previous bad experiences to project upon you. The disadvantage is that they will rarely be old enough to open a checking account.
Used girlfriends, on the other hand, tend to be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out. CR does advise that you use caution when choosing models that have significantly higher than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr). This may be an indication that the girlfriend was a professional.
CR's Methodology
For our purposes, girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, selected to typify the average male population. All tests were performed at CU's specially constructed facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the following criteria: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.
Results
Girlfriends are categorized by similarity. Within each category, variation is not statistically significant.
| Category |
Comments |
| Goddess |
This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped
with all of the options you want and none of the ones you
don't. She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give
you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you mean
even if you don't say it, and break a bed with her
enthusiasm. No mental or physical hang-ups. The drawback is
that this model is not actually available. |
| Goddess-in-law |
This model is similar to the Goddess, but comes with
contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband,
a spiteful mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty
kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs. |
| Ms. Right |
The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations.
Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except
possibly in the wrong size or hair color. Other than
that, an excellent long-term investment. Availability is
extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck. |
| Babe |
This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the
options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers
and empathy. Showy, suitable for a parade or for impressing
your friends, but not for your long-term girlfriend needs. |
| Friend |
The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but
tends to be aesthetically lacking. Availability is poor
to fair depending on quality. |
| Yeah, Her |
The Chevy Nova of girlfriends. Widely available, but
useful only in a pinch, if no others are available.
Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, with a dull finish. |
| Until you find her, we at CR wish you Happy Hunting! |
Fire fighters...
This low budget oil producer had an oil well that was on fire. He called every oil well fire fighter in the phone book. All of them were very expensive. Red Adair wanted $25,000 just to come look at the fire. There was no way he could afford this. Finally, he noticed an ad for Jose's Fire Fighting Service. He called Jose and asked how much he charged?
Jose said, "Senor, I only charge $1,000." The producer thought, Great! "Well OK Jose, come on out and look at my oil well fire."
The producer was standing on a hill looking at his oil well fire when a pickup truck with Jose's Fire Fighting on the door and ten Mexicans in the back came across the hill and drove straight into the fire.
All of the Mexicans got out of the truck and started stomping their feet and waiving their serapes screaming, "Ariba! Ariba!"
After about fifteen minutes, the fire was out. The producer couldn't believe it. The fire was out! The producer yelled,"Congratulations Jose! What are you going to do with the $1,000?"
Jose answered, "Well senor, the first thing I do is feex the brakes on this truck..."
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