50 things...
50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk
the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be
creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonge. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the
River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life
story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious.. like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with
the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes.
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"
A new Priest...
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a
glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2)There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3)There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4)Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5)Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6)We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7)The Father, Son, snd Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8)David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9)When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the big T!
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say ,"Eat me."
12)The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the cherry."
13)The reccomended grace before a mealis not:"Rub-Adub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
An extra one...
Young Charlie is having trouble with his first grade addition homework, so his father decides to help. He teaches the Charlie how to add small numbers by counting on his fingers. Eventually, the little boy becomes quite good. "But remember," the father says, "you can't use your fingers in school
-- you'll have to do it in your head."
The next day at school, the teacher calls on Charlie and asks him "what is five plus five?" Charlie starts to raise his hands, but remembering what his father said, hides them in his pockets. After a few seconds of counting, Charlie announces "Eleven!"
Baby oil...
Ever wonder where baby oil comes from?
Bananas are better than men because...
The average banana stays hard for a week.
The average banana is at least 6 inches long.
A banana never suffers from performance anxiety.
Bananas are easy to pick up.
You can fondle bananas in a supermarket...
... and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
Bananas can get away any weekend.
A banana will always respect you in the morning.
A banana doesn't ask. "Am I the first".
Bananas don't care if you are a virgin.
Bananas won't tell other bananas you're not a virgin anymore. With
bananas you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
Bananas don't have sex hang-ups.
You can have as many bananas as you can handle.
You only eat bananas when you feel like it.
Bananas never need a round of applause.
Bananas won't ask:-
Am I the Best?
How was it?
Did you come? How many times?
A banana won't mind hiding in the fridge when your mother comes over.
A banana will never make a scene because there are other bananas in the
fridge.
No matter how old you are you can always get another banana.
A banana will never give you a hickey.
Bananas can stay up all night...and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot.
Bananas won't leave you wondering for a month.
Bananas won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
A banana never forgets to flush the toilet.
A banana doesn't flush the toilet when you are in the shower,
Bananas don't compare you to a centerfold.
Bananas don't tell you they like you better with long hair.
A banana will never leave you for :-
Another woman
Another man
Another banana.
You always know where your banana has been.
Bananas don't have mid-life crisis.
Bananas don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
A banana doesn't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
Bananas never expect you to have little bananas.
It's easy to drop a banana.
Bank loan...
A distinguished-looking man entered a Geneva bank and inquired about taking out a loan for 1000 Swiss francs.
"What security can you offer?" the banker asked.
"My Rolls-Royce is parked out front," he said. "I will be away for a few weeks. Here are the keys."
A month later, the man returned to the bank and paid off the loan, 1017 francs with interest.
"Pardon me for asking," the banker said, "but why a one-thousand franc loan for a man of your obvious means?"
"Very simple," he replied. "Where else can you store a Rolls for a month for seventeen francs?"
(these jokes stolen, guess where ...:-) |
