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Preferences and tastes...
Three guys - a Frenchman, a German and a Polack, were sitting in a bar. In walked a mean looking black guy looking for a fight. He sat down, ordered a beer, took a drink, went over and slapped the Frenchman and said, "I like fucking white women." The Frenchman looked at him and thought,"Well,that's great."
Then the big black guy went over to the German, hit him on the shoulder and said, "I like fucking white women." The German looked at him and said, "Good for you."
The black guy sat down and took another drink of his beer. He got up, walked over to the Polack and belted him on the back, then said, "I like fucking white women." The Polack sat and thought for a second and finally said, "I don't blame you. I don't like fucking those black ones either."
Sharp shooter...
This guy gets a raise, so he decides to but a new sight for his gun. Well, anyway, the salesman at the store is throwing his pitch, and he brags, "If you'll look through this sight, I'll bet that you can see my house in perfect detail, even though it's the whole way at the top of the hill."
So the guy looks through the sight, and says, "Yep, you're right... wait a minute... I can see some lady and a guy running around with no clothes on, too..."
Shocked, the salesman snatches the sight back, and looks through it. Sure enough, he sees the same thing. Infuriated, the salesman hands the guy a gun and two bullets, and says, "If you'll blow my cheatin' wife's head off, and that guy's dick off, you can have the sight for free."
The guy looks throught the sight again. "You know, I think I can do that with only 1 bullet..."
Shrewd little gambler...
Little Willie had a gambling problem. He'd bet on anything. One day, Willie's father consulted his teacher.
The teacher said.
"Mr.Gaines, I think I know how to teach Willie a real lesson. We'll trap him into a big wager that he'll lose."
Willie's father agreed to cooperate with the plan.
The next day at school, the teacher watched Willie making wagers with the other children, and she said, "Willie, I want you to remain after class." When the others had left the classroom, Willie walked up to the teacher. Before she could say a word, he said,
" Dont say it, Miss B; I know what you're going to say, but you're a liar!"
"Willie!" the startled teacher said." What are you talking about?"
"Your a fake!" Willie continued."How can I believe anything you tell me? You've got this blond hair on top, but I've seen your bush and it's pitch black!"
Trying to keep her cool, the teacher said, "Willie that isn't true."
"I'll bet a dollar it is !" Willie challenged.
The teacher saw her chance to teach Willie his lesson."Make it five dollars and you have a bet," she said.
"You're on!" Willie whipped out a five dollar bill. Before anyone could come into the room, Miss B. dropped her panties, spread her legs, and showed Willie that her pubic hair was as blond as the hair on top of her head.
Willie hung his head. "You win," he said, handing her the fiver.
Miss. B couldn't wait for him to leave so she could get to a phone to call his father. She reported what had happened. "Mr. Gaines,"
she said, "I think we've finally taught him his lesson."
"The hell we have," the father muttered. "This morning Willie bet me ten dollars that he'd see your pussy before the day was over."
Size...
A 5-year old boy and his dad are visiting the zoo, in their bi-weekly weekend together. Standing in front of the elephant-cage, the boy asks his father:"Dad, what is that big thing hanging down from between the elephants legs? I asked mom the last time we were here, but she just said "Oh that thing...- well, that is..., that is nothing". The dad says, "Son, I told you, I have spoilt that woman..."
the right way...
This guy walks into a bar for the first time, and he's sitting around drinking. Some of the old timers are telling jokes.
One of them says "Seventeen" and the other old timers all roar with laughter.
A little later, another of 'em says "Thirty-Two" and again, they all laugh and holler.
Well, the new guy can't figure out what's going on, so he asks one of the locals next to him "What're these old-timers doin'?" The local says
"Well, they've been hangin' around together so long they all know all the same jokes, so to save extra talkin' they've given 'em all numbers." The new fellow says
"That's mighty clever! I think I'll try that." So he stands up and says in a loud voice "Nineteen!" Silence; everybody just looks at him, but nobody laughs.
Embarrassed, he sits down again, and asks the local fellow "What happened? Why didn't anyone laugh?" The local says "Well, son, ya just didn't tell it right..."
Three questions...
Three questions to ask an alien before having sex:
(1) Are you carrying any diseases which might be communicable to humans?
(2) Have you had sex with any high-risk partners in the past six months?
(3) Which one is your mouth?
Time schedule...
A man goes to the doctor and is told he has only six hours to live. He rushes home and tells his wife and then says lets make love. They do and then they fall asleep. A couple of hours later he wakes up and says,"Honey, let's do it again."They do and again after a very brief nap he says to her, "Honey, how about doing it one more time?" She replies, "Aw come on, I have to get up in the morning, You don't!"
Why a beer is better than a woman...
WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN
1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.
5. When beer goes flat you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. HANGOVERS go away.
8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
16. A beer ALWAYS goes down easy.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
19. A beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. A beer doesn't care when you come.
22. You can have a beer in public.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. Beer always comes in multiples of six.
26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer.
28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
32. Beer looks the same in the morning.
33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month.
34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.
35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.
36. Beer doesn't get cramps.
37. Beer doesn't have a mother.
38. Beer doesn't have morals.
39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
40. Beer always listens and never argues.
41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year.
42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.
43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.
44. Beer doesn't demand legality.
45. Beer is never overweight.
46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards.
48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer.
49. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.
52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
53. Beer never changes its mind.
54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
55. Beer never asks you to change the station.
56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping.
57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
58. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
59. Beer is always easy to pick up.
60. Big, fat beers are nice to have.
61. Beer doesn't pout or play games.
62. Beer NEVER says no.
63. Beer is easy to get into.
64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.
65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers.
66. Beer doesn't wear a bra.
67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.
68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.
69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.
70. Beer doesn't live with its mother.
71. Beer doesn't blow you off.
72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
73. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
74. Beer doesn't mind football season.
75. A beer won't make you go to church.
76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
77. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
78. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
79. A beer doesn't give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other beers around.
80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the babies are "cute".
81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of "doberperson".
83. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk music on your favorite radio station.
84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
86. If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a beer, it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.
87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
88. A beer won't smoke in your car.
89. A beer won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
91. A beer will actually *support* belching and farting and share your enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona.
92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.
93. A beer never fishes for compliments.
94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
95. Beer tastes *good*.
96. If you take a beer outta the fridge just to look at it but then decide to drink it, the beer won't accuse you of "date rape".
97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watching "John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on your VCR.
98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
99. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the grocery store.
100. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse "just for the articles". (You *are* lying, but the beer won't accuse you of it.
101. A beer won't worry that you'll go to jail if you videotape a Giants game without the expressed, written consent of the National Football League.
102. A beer won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with the excuse: "But I saved a quarter!"
103. A beer will *never* make you go to a Swedish movie.
104. A beer will *never* make you turn off "Fists of Fury Theater" on channel 5 on Saturday afternoons.
105. A beer won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say "Gene Hackman" instead of "Gene Hackperson".
106. A beer won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that tastes like STP Oil Treatment.
107. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't make you ill.
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