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Making babies...
Prologue: The British government's policy of socialized medicine has been broadened to include "proxy papas". This provides for any married woman not having a child in the first five years of marriage to receive
the services of a government man who will attempt to be the means of her becoming a mother.
The Brown's have no children and the government man is due. Mr. Brown leaves for work and gives his wife a little peck on the cheek as he departs, saying "I'm off. The government man should be here any minute".
He leaves and his wife pretties herself and waits for the government man, but, instead of the government man, a door-to-door photographer specializing in baby pictures knocks on the door.
Mrs: Oh, good morning.
MAN: You probably don't know me, but I represent....
Mrs: Oh yes, you needn't explain. My husband said to expect you.
MAN: I make a specialty of babies -- especially twins.
Mrs: Thats what my husband said. Please sit down.
MAN: Then your husband probably told you that...
Mrs: Oh, yes. We both agree it is the best thing to do.
MAN: In that case, we may as well get started.
Mrs: (blushing) Just where do we start?
MAN: Well, just leave everything to me, madam. I recommend two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and a couple on the floor.
Mrs: Bathtub?? Floor??? No wonder Harry and I.....
MAN: Well, my dear lady. Even the best of us can't guarantee a good one every time. But out of six, one is bound to be a honey. I usually have the best shots in the tub.
Mrs: Pardon me, but, it seems --- well...a bit informal.
MAN: No indeed. In my line, a man can't do his best work in a hurry. (he opens his album and shows the baby pictures to her) Look at this baby! It's a good job and took four hours, but isn't she a beauty?
Mrs: Yes, a very lovely child.
MAN: But for a tough assignment, look at this baby. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London.
Mrs: Oh my gosh.
MAN: AND, here is a picture of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider that their mother was so difficult. But I knocked off this job in Hyde Park on a snowy afternoon. I never worked under such conditions. People were crowding around four or five deep, pushing to get a good
look.
Mrs: Four or five deep?
MAN: Yes, and for more than three hours but, I had a couple of Bobbies keeping them back. I could've done another shot before dark, but by that time the squirrels were nibbling at my equipment and I had to give up. Well, madam, its not hard when a man knows his job. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent long years perfecting my technique. Now this baby here. I did it with one shot in Alexander's window.
Mrs: I can't believe it!
MAN: Well, madam. If you're ready, I'll set up my tripod and we can get to work.
Mrs: Tripod???
MAN: Yes, madam. I always use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy for me to hold for any length of time.
Mrs. Brown! Mrs. Brown. Good Lord, Mrs. Brown, have you fainted?
Murphy's Laws On Love and Sex...
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
Nothing improves with age.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
Sex has no calories.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Virginity can be cured.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. and vice versa...
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
It is always the wrong time of month.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
The younger the better.
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
Love is a hole in the heart.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Do it only with the best.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Never say no.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
Love comes in spurts.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are
unimportant.
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
"This won't hurt, I promise."
Negotiation...
HE: "Would you go to bed with someone for a million dollars?"
SHE: "Well, I guess so"
HE: "Would you go to bed with someone for two dollars?"
SHE: "What kind of a girl do you think I am?"
HE: "We've already established that, now we're setting price."
Not hard to decide...
This guy had three lovely girlfriends, and he couldn't decide which one to marry. So he gave each of them $500 to see what they would do with the money.
The first one took the $500 and came back all excited and out of breath. "Honey", she said, "I had a wonderful time with the money. I went out and bought jewelry and clothes, and had a terrific time. Thank you so much."
The second one took the $500 and came back and said. "Darling, all I could think of was you and how much I love you. So here is $500 worth of presents just for you to show you how much I think of you." The third one took the $500 and came back and said.
"Well, I took the $500 and invested it and turned it into $3,000,so here is your original $500 and we will split the difference. Which one did he marry? The one with the big tits (nothing ever changes).
Not so difficult question...
Three nuns die and go to heaven, at the pearly gates they are confronted by Saint Peter who says "Well girls before you can get into heaven you must answer a question." Saint Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?"
She says, "Oh that's easy, that was Adam." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven.
So Saint Peter asks the second nun "Who was the first woman on earth?" She says "Oh that's easy that was Eve." Same thing happens - birds sing, bells ring, and she goes into heaven.
So Saint Peter says to the third nun "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" She sits and thinks for awhile and says "Boy that's a hard one." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven!
Obedience
The farmboy goes to the big city for a better life. A hooker picks him up and they go to a cheap motel for the night. As they are about to go to bed, she hands him a condom and asks him to put it on. He looks very confused, so she demonstrates on her forefinger. They are well into their lovemaking when she suddenly realizes he's not wearing the condom, so she turns on the light and asks him, "Aren't you wearing the condom, like I showed you?" He replies, "Sure am, ma'am", and he shows her his forefinger with the condom on it.
Posession of equipment...
The following is a humorous story reported in the Manchester Guardian some time in the late 1970's.
Ben McTaggart, a farmer in the Scottish Highlands, was apprehended by the local constabulary after a routine inspection of his croft revealed an illicit whisky still.
McTaggart appeared in court next day to face charges of evading payment of excise duties and the illegal manufacture of alcoholic spirits. Reviewing the facts of the case before pronouncing verdict, the magistrate declared -
"Mr McTaggart, you have been found in possession of apparatus commonly used in the distillation of alcoholic liquors. Although this equipment was unused, and no trace of spirits could be found on your premises, the intent of the apparatus should be clear to all, and I am obliged to find you guilty of all charges brought against you in this court. Before I pronounce sentence, do you have anything to say in mitigation of your offence?"
McTaggart glowered at the magistrate and replied -
"Your Honour, you can convict me of moonshining just because I have the equipment, but you'd better convict me of rape as well, because I have the equipment for that tae!" |
