This guy starts getting these headaches that progressively worsen until he can't eat, sleep, or work. After an extensive examination, the doctor tells him that they can cure the headaches, but that it will require an operation where they remove both of his testicles.
The man eventually realizes that he simply can't continue with the headaches, so he reluctantly agrees. Upon awaking after the operation, there is no trace of the headaches. He checks out of the hospital, feeling like he has been reborn. In order to celebrate, he decides to go into a fancy men's shop, and treat himself to the most expensive imported suit they have. The old man in the shop, having gotten an idea of what the man would like, starts off to find him a suit. "Wait," the man
says, "you don't even know my measurements yet."
The old man explains that he's been working in the garment industry all his life, and can tell a person's measurements just by looking at him.
To prove it, the old man starts rattling off measurements - "33 waist, 32 inseam, 16 neck, 34 sleeve, 32 underwear." "Correct on everything but the underwear," the man says admiringly,
"I wear size 30."
"No way,"
the old man says confidently, "32 underwear is definitely your size, I'm sure." "Look," the man says, a little irritated,
"I ought to know what size underwear I wear." The old man interrupts him, yelling "IF YOU WORE SIZE 30 UNDERWEAR, YOU'D HAVE THE MOST EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL HEADACHES!"
American in England...
An elderly English couple, the wife rather deaf, were visiting New York. They hail a cab and start out on a lengthy journey. It being New York, it isn't long before the driver starts talking.
Driver: You're limeys, aren't you?
Man: Aye, we are
Wife: What did he say?
M: He asked if we were English and I said we were
W: Ah
D: I was in England, during the war
M: Oh aye
W: What did he say?
M: He said he was in England during the war
W: Ah
D: I was in Burnley, in Lancashire. You know it?
M: Yes, that's where we come from
W: What did he say?
M: He said he was in England during the war - near Burnley
W: Ah
D: Do you know a patch of woodland just south of Burnley?
M: Aye, I know it
W: What did he say?
M: He asked if we knew the woods south of Burnley and I said we did
W: Ah
D: You know, it was in those woods, during the war, I had the worst
fu*k I've ever had in my entire life.
W: What did he say?
M: He says he knows you.
Apartment for rent...
A prosperous and somewhat amorous businessman propositioned a beautiful chorus girl of well proportioned figure to spend the night with him for $500.00. When he was ready to leave the next morning, certain things having transpired, he told her that he didn't have that much money with him, but he would have his secretary mail her a check for it, made out for RENT ON APARTMENT, to avoid embarrassment.
On the way to the office however, after thinking the matter over, he decided the night hadn't been worth what he had agreed to pay, so he had his secretary send a check for $250.00 instead, and enclosed the following explanatory note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed is the check in the amount of $250.00 for rent on your apartment. I am sending this amount instead of the amount originally agreed upon, because when I rented this apartment, I was under the assumption that . . .
1) It had never been occupied.
2) There was plenty of heat.
3) That it was small.
Last night, I found that it had been occupied many times, that there wasn't much heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediatly returned the check, with this note . . .
I am returning your check for $250.00. I can not understand how you could expect such a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you just know how to turn it on. As for the size, it's not my fault if you didn't have enough furniture to fill it.
Are you Gay...
An employee for a well known airline, who happened to have the last name of GAY, got on a plane recently using one of his company's "Free Flight" programs. However, when Mr. Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a paying passenger. So, not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat.
Unknown to Mr. Gay, another flight at the airport experienced mechanical problems. The passengers of this other flight were being rerouted to various airplanes. A few were put on Mr. Gay's flight and anyone who was holding a "free" ticket was being "bumped".
Airline officials, armed with a list of these "freebee" ticket holders boarded the plane to remove the free ticket holders. Of course, our Mr. Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat as you may remember.
So when the Ticket Agent approached the seat where Mr. Gay was supposed to be sitting, she asked a startled customer "Are you Gay?". The man, shyly nodded that he was, at which point she demanded: "Then you have to get off the plane".
Our Mr. Gay, overhearing what the Ticket Agent had said, tried to clear up the situation: "You've got the wrong man. I'm Gay!". This caused an angry third passenger to yell "Hell, I'm gay too! They can't kick us all off!"
Confusion reined as more an more passengers began yelling that the airline had no right to remove gays from their flights.
They're still fighting it out :-)
Baby Elephant trunks...
This guy gets his richard shot off in Vietnam. One day at home he is reading the T.V. guide and sees an ad for a doctor that says he can fix this.
When he gets to the doctor, he asks, "What do you use." The doctor says, "Baby elephant trunks." So the guy decides to have the surgery.
About six months go by and the guy finally gets the nerve up to ask a lady out to dinner. As they are eating dinner, this thing comes out from under the table, grabs a biscuit, and darts back underneath the table.
The girl sees this and thinks to herself, "If that happens again, I'm going to have to say something."
A few minutes later, this thing comes out from under the table and grabs another biscuit.
The lady says, "Buddy, I don't know what that is, but, if it happens again, I'm going to get mad!"
The guy says, "Your going to get mad. Hell, if that thing stuffs another biscuit up my behind, I'm REALLY going to get mad!
Bedroom Golf...
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and
two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole, and keep the
balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners
are permitted to check shaft for stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid
damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the
course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may
result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival
at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the
entire course, with special attention to the well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on, or
are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course
owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
10. Players should assure thenselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time.
Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else
playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some
players may be embarressed if they find the course to be temporarily under
repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More
advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain course owner's permission before attempting
to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged: however
players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily,
at the course owner's request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same
hole several times in one match.
15. the course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
**NB**
Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given
course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules
are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play
several different courses.
Big...
3 boys, 1 black and 2 whites and all 3rd-graders, are playing after school. As 3rd-graders tend to do, inevitably they start discussing who has the biggest one (if you know what I mean...). To settle the matter, they agree to determine this once and for all by means of comparison. It turns out in favor of the black boy, who self-confidently boasts that this of course is because he's black.
He runs home to tell his mother : "Mom, Mom, guess what! We compared our pee-pee's at the playground today, and I had the biggest one!! That's because I'm black, right?" "No honey... that's because you're
nineteen..."
British Safety Standards...
I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet which had a 'Tested to British Safety Standards' sign on it...
Underneath someone had scrawled...
'...SO WAS THE TITANIC !!'
Circumcision...
A tourist in a strange town notices that her watch is broken. She starts looking for a repair shop. After a long and frustrating search she finds herself in an area where many shop signs are in Hebrew. Finally, she notices that one of the stores has all kinds of clocks and watches ticking merrily in the window. She walks into the shop and puts her watch on the counter in front of the proprietor.
Tourist: "would you please repair this watch."
Proprietor: "Madam, I cannot repair your watch."
T: "But why not? It is an ordinary model"
P: "Madam, I do not repair watches. I am a moel, I perform circumcisions"
T (irritated): "Then why on earth do you have all these clocks in your window?"
P: "Well, and what should I have in my window?"
Dildos Inc...
This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tell him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it?"
The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees.
So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before."
She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black
dildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one
before..."
She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are
your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never
had a plaid one before...."
She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo,
one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
Finally found out...
ONE DAY, A POLISH MAN WAS NUDE SUNBATHING ON HIS ROOF. HE GOT A BAD SUNBURN ALL
OVER! THAT NIGHT, HIS GIRLFRIEND CAME OVER. AND WHILE THEY WERE FUCKING, HIS
DICK STARTED TO HURT. WELL, SINCE MILK IS GOOD FOR SUNBURN, HE POURED A GLASS
AND STUCK HIS DICK IN IT. A FEW MINUTES LATER, HIS GIRLFRIEND WALKED OUT, SAW
HIM, AND SAID, "I ALWAYS WONDERED HOW YOU GUYS LOADED THOSE THINGS!"
Finishing school...
1st Southern Belle: "Well, ah do declare, my husband is so good to me. He brings me diamonds near' every day of the week. I got a diamond ring for every finger."
2SB: "My My My"
3SB: "You know, my husbands is the same way. He brings me fur coats all the time. I got a whole closet full of fur coats."
2SB: "My My My"
4SB: "Mine too. He takes me on cruises and trips. I've been nearly everywhere on this whole blessed earth."
2SB: "My My My"
(Nervous pause)
1SB to 2SB: "How does your husband treat you?"
2SB: "Oh, my husband is good to me too. He sent me off to finishin' school."
(Nervous pause)
3SB to 2SB: "Finishin' school? What good is goin' to finishin' school?"
2SB: "Well, I used to say 'F*ck you, bitch', now I just say 'My My My.'"
Half a cup...
Tester: "Please step into the bathroom over there, and fill this cup
to the halfway mark".
Testee (thinks):
Hmmm. Only half a cup? What's the matter, don't they like my urine?
Jack and Jill...
Jack and Jill were working for this company. The company had run into some bad times and the guy that owned the company was going to have to lay either Jack or Jill off. He really couldn't decide which one to lay off because they were both really good workers.
One day, he decided which ever one of them came back from lunch first, he was going to lay off. Sure enough, here came Jill up the front stairs. As she entered the front door, he walked up to her and said, "Listen Jill, I'm really sorry but I'm going to have to either lay you or Jack off."
Jill replied, "Well you're going to have to jack off cause I got a headache........"
Just one more...
A white guy, a black guy, and a Mormon are talking one day. The black guy says "I've got four kids; one more, and I'll have a basketball team." The white guy says "I've got ten kids; one more, and I'll have a football team."
The Mormon says "I've got seventeen wives; one more, and I'll have a golf course!" |
